You were married to your spouse for years, and are just starting to pick up the pieces from a difficult divorce by seeing an Atlanta therapist. When you first got married, you just thought of them as a go-getter. A high achiever that wanted what they wanted, and knew how to get it. And, they were so appealing. It felt good to be the object of their attention. They adored you, and gave you so much love. Our Atlanta therapists hear this story often.
As time went on in the marriage you learned that your spouse could be unpredictable. They had certain expectations and demands, but even those would change suddenly and then you’d get yelled at, wondering where you misstepped. You eventually began walking on eggshells so to speak, working to not aggravate your spouse and hoping to keep them on their happy side so they wouldn’t lash out and make the whole family pay for it.
Things finally came to a head, and you ended up divorcing. It wasn’t one thing that did it, it was all of the little and big things over the years. Your spouse’s lashing out ended up causing you and your kids so much pain and hurt. None of you knew how to keep them happy, although desperately longed for it, because when it was good it was so good. Noone in your lives could imagine what it was like in your home because on the outside your spouse was amazing, and your family was the family to be. But at home, you were suffering. The last straw finally broke and now you’re divorced. It seems to have happened so quickly yet also seems like it took way too much time.
Where do you go from here? How do you heal? Our Atlanta therapists get these questions all of the time. Our quick answers are: Go to therapy. Heal slowly.
Of course it’s not that simple, and there’s so much that can go into healing from narcissistic abuse. Some things that we encourage our clients to do include:
1. Take time to re-evaluate your support system. Who are the people in your life that you are taking advice from, accepting support from, and leaning on? Are they wise, are they emotionally safe, and are they stable? Add some professionals in the mix (Atlanta therapists, attorneys, financial advisors, etc.) so that you’re not making decisions based on emotions, or based on how you learned to think while you were married to someone who may have been controlling or manipulative.
2. Work to reconnect with yourself and get to know you. Often times we end up thinking like our spouse and if your spouse struggled with significant dysfunction, you could have some unhealthy thinking styles. But, you can work with a therapist to begin uncovering which of your beliefs you actually align with, and which are just a product of your survival that you can now release.
3. Learn about narcissistic abuse, and begin to shed light on what you went through so that you build awareness of your trauma and understanding towards yourself. This is best done in the care of a supportive therapist who can guide you through the process of processing your trauma in counseling.
4. Be gentle with yourself and take time to heal. Give yourself time to work through this and heal. It won’t happen overnight. You benefit from connecting with a nurturing gentle part of yourself so that you aren’t accidentally making things work by engaging in negative or harsh self-talk. Another part of being gentle and allowing time before you jump right back into another serious relationship or make a big decision. This is generally recommended for people who have just been through a big loss in their lives. That’s because you’re still working through it. Your emotions are raw. You may be making decisions from a place of grief.
Going through the end of a relationship with someone who struggles with narcissism can be so hard. But you’re not alone, and this is not the end of your story. You’ll need to grieve. You’ll need to heal. AND, there’s hope that you can experience peace and joy as you reconnect with yourself and your purpose outside of the old relationship.
