As a couples counselor in Atlanta, I hear it all too often… “We just don’t connect.” Sitting in my office facing a couple that just started couples therapy with me, I see the frustration in their eyes. Often, the story goes that at the beginnin of their relationship they did feel connected, but somewhere along the way that shifted.
We see in the research that things can happen to shift the sense of connection in a relationship.
- Time – The research shows that after about two years in a relationship takes a shift. No longer are we in puppy love, and if we expect that experience to be here forever, we’re mistaken. The love shifts to something different. Wonderful, but different. And so, with this connection that rings more loyalty, less novelty, we benefit from working to fuel it with things that keep a different kind of spark alive.
- Kids and responsibilities – What we as Atlanta couples counselors see to be true, is that when couples take on more responsibilities like a mortgate, a harder job, kids, etc. their ability to focus on the relationship isn’t as strong. There are more things pulling at them for attention. And so, the most successful couples are purposeful about prioritizing their relationship.
- Familiarity – When we are around a person for extended periods we can get the sense that we are familiar with them and therefore may become less inclined to continue getting to know them. While this can feel comfortable, it can also cause us not to emotionally attune to their worlds.
- Uncertainty of how to be emotionally complex- When a couple first meets there’s so much newness to the relationship that we don’t have to work hard to feel emotionally intimate. Just saying who your best friend is can feel like you’re ‘seen’ by the other person. But as time goes on it takes harder work to emotionally attune and ‘meet’ your partner and if your family didn’t do that growing up, or you’ve learned in your life to stay emotionally distant, you may not be great at pursuing your spouse or partner emotionally.
So, what do we do when we realize there’s a disconnect in our relationship? Here are a few things our Atlanta couples counselors help people with:
- Prioritize the relationship: Give your relationship time by scheduling weekly two hour dates with no kids and no phones or screens. If you can’t afford to go out, stay in but treat it like a date. Don’t discuss chores or the kids during the date. Try to prioritize having connecting conversations.
- Learn about communicating frustrations and emotions. So much of our connection relies on how we communicate. If our conflict is filled with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, we’re definitely going to lose connection. But, if we work to own our own feelings, walk in gratitude, self-soothe, and see things from our partner’s/spouse’s perspective, we will be a lot more successful.
- Figure out how to attune to your spouse/partner’s emotions. This involves being aware of their emotions and needs, turning towards their emotions, understanding your spouse, being non-defensive, and responding with empathy.
- Promote novelty and friendship. Friendship tends to be promoted in the routines of connection. Sipping coffee together every morning, or talking a walk after dinner, watching a show together, or playing a game together…these can all promote friendship. To promote novelty which meets a different need in our relationship, we want to try new things together. This can be small or big. Switch out your flavor of sparkly water, go on a trip, do a new yoga move, sing karaoke together…do new things together.
- Never stop learning eachother. Ask questions, dig deeper, then ask the same question a year later and see how it’s changed. To go with that, never stop learning about yourself, that way you can share what you’ve learned with your spouse/partner.
As an Atlanta couples counselor, I love to encourage people to go see a couples therapist! It can be so helpful to work with a nonjudgmental, and compassionate person who can assist you with seeing areas of opportunity and growth in your relationship.
