In the middle of an argument my husband said ‘We need to stop talking about this before I get really angry.’
I was furious. How could he just cut me off like that? And what exactly is he insinuating? Am I supposed to be scared of his anger? I really wanted to go down that road and amp up (because I’m not one to back down in this situation.)
But, as an Atlanta couples counselor I knew better.
I accepted his request, and stopped talking. Why? Because the research by the Gottman Institute (where they’ve done couples therapy research for over 30 years) shows us that if we’re flooded in conflict (when our bpm is over 100, and where my husband was at when he felt angry) the part of our brain that is in charge of decision-making, behavior change, and logic is impaired. It’s like we’re running from a bear. In that moment, he was so angry he was in his fight flight or freeze, and he was making a request to take care of that without going somewhere in conversation that we both would regret.
And so, we sat. In silence. I was so angry. Truth be told, I wasn’t using my skills in that moment. I could’ve been working to calm my own body down, maybe using some deep breathing or holding some ice. But no. I was ruminating about how furious I was. Even Atlanta couples counselors find the skills hard to use! Luckily in the research we find that successful couples get it right way less than 100% of the time so there’s room for being human.
What happened next blew my mind. I’m supposed to be the couples counselor in the room.
I’m not our couples counselor, but still. I could’ve been the one to do this. Instead, my very non counselor husband made a brilliant move that Gottman would’ve been proud of.
He came over and laid his head on my lap.
In that instant, I think we both melted. It was an example of two things that we use in Gottman Method.
- He made a bid for connection and turned toward. Turning toward is a simple gesture that communicates openness and connection. It’s the small things that add up to bring connection overall.
- He made a repair. In that moment he was communicating that we’re okay. We’ll get through. We love eachother. And while we need to pause that conversation, we can still connect.
Tip from an Atlanta couples counselor: What would’ve been more effective is when he asked to stop the conversation if he could’ve shifted the sentence slightly and said something like “I’m getting really angry. I need this conversation to pause. Can we come back to it tomorrow at 3?” This helps the average person know that they’re going to come back to the converation and that they’re not being cut off. As an Atlanta couples counselor I encourage people to use I feel statements to share that they’re flooded, then ask for the break and say when they’re going to come back to it, then set an alarm and come back to their spouse.
There are a couple things to note about this interaction. First, I knew we would absolutely come back to the conversation because that is our pattern as a couple. This would’ve gone way differently if we don’t typically come back to the conversations, if he tends to cut me off often and not respect me, or if he tends to be emotionally abusive or physically abusive. Not every turn toward or repair works for every couple. It worked for us because of our dynamics.
I think the hard part in all of this is getting out of your own way. Sometimes my stubbornness and pride get in the way of me doing what I know would be good for our marriage.
In my Atlanta couples counseling office I often work to help couples look at their marriage as an entity and to think ‘what would be good for my marriage in this moment?’ Other questions that help include ‘what do I really want in this moment, and how can I get there?’ This goes deep because it’s not really about winning. If you get really good about digging down it’s more about wanting connection, wanting partnership, wanting to be known, or maybe wanting to know if your spouse has your back, if they’re really there for you. Or maybe you’re needing to meet a need and need your partner’s help. Needs we meet might include fun, freedom, connection, and safety.
Keep in mind, what we share on our website is educational in nature. if you are in a relationship and could use the support of an Atlanta couples counselor, please know that you can reach out to our team.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, or suspect that you may be in an abusive relationship, it’s important that you speak to an expert to find out what skills would be most safe and helpful for your unique situation. One size does not fit all when it comes to relationships.
