We’ve almost all experienced the pull of two parts of us. One that knows logically that we should do a certain thing, and another that just cannot do that healthy thing and instead needs to be anxious, angry, lazy, or engage in unhealthy behaviors like alcohol use or binge scrolling on our phones.
It’s so tough because cognitively and logically we know what we need to do, but no matter how logical it is we just can’t go there. Instead, there’s this part of us that takes over.
In one of our Atlanta counseling approaches, IFS (internal family systems) we tend to see people from the perspective of having lots of different parts. We might have our calm parts, and our anxious parts. Our wreckless parts, and our responsible parts. Our young parts, and our old parts. And when we go through things in life, different parts tend to pop up. For example, if I perceive a threat my nononsense, in control, authoritative, get things done part might spring into gear. While typically, I’m a calm go with the flow kind of person, give the right scenario and that no-nonsense part will spring to life.
The challenge becomes when two parts are opposing, or when a part is overfunctioning. So, let’s say for instance I drop a glass plate in my house. Noone gets hurt and the glass plate was cheap. Yet, despite my cognitive knowing that it doesn’t matter, I feel intense anxiousness. My anxious part is now overfunctioning, and I just can’t get calm.
We can also apply this to videogames, or binge scrolling, or alcohol use. There’s one part of me that knows it would be healthier to go for a walk, but oh my goodness I just want to binge scroll on my phone instead. And since I had a long day at work, my tired part is screaming for me to check out and scroll my phone!
What do we do when two parts are in opposition? While the full approach to IFS cannot be summed in this post, what I will share as an Atlanta counselor is this. Our first steps are to get curious with all the parts (the ones we like and the ones we’re not so happy with) and work on not judging those parts.
This may seem so counter-intuitive, especially if you’re struggling with overconsuming alcohol or angry outbursts towards loved ones, and if that’s you we don’t recommend you do this alone. We recommend that you see an Atlanta counselor who can help you begin to explore the why behind the reason these parts are overfunctioning so much.
Keep in mind this doesn’t mean we don’t set boundaries with ourselves or we don’t use wisdom. Wisdom is different than judgment. With wisdom, we avoid labeling and judgment but we still honor the feeling and fact of the situation. We might notice that our alcohol consumption is problematic because we’ve engaged in risky behaviors when we drink, and so we might set a boundary that we are going to talk to an Atlanta counselor about our drinking, and follow their recommendations. That’s allowing wisdom to be there without judgment.
If you notice that there are parts of you that you tend to judge, or you don’t like how they show up, or you’re really struggling with a particular behavior or symptom, just reach out to an Atlanta counselor. It can help.
