You know it all too well. That voice inside of your head that tells you to push yourself. It tells you to achieve, to get it done, to do it right. You can hear it now as you’re reading this. You’re probably connecting with the feelings of pride and drive.
And, you may not be as aware of some other feelings that may be connected to this voice. As an Atlanta therapist for anxiety who works with perfectionists and high achievers, I work with this voice a lot.
The reason why I work with this voice, is that it’s not all positive. In fact, often times the perfectionists and high achievers that I work with are harsh and critical with themselves, dismissing their own feelings and needs, requiring themselves to push through difficulties in order to achieve. They downplay human need, and instead push themselves to ignore pain, and ignore need.
The tricky part of holding the two versions of this voice (the motivating positive outcome part and the harsh critical part) is that we often end up doing really well by listening to this voice. And to do something different seems absolutely foreign to a high achieving perfectionist.
When we look at examples of people who have pushed past the pain we might think of athletes who achieved record breaking feats, CEO’s and entrepreneurs who did something noone thought they could do, and individuals who defied expectations of the world. And we can glorify that. As an Atlanta anxiety therapist, I also like to help people explore the negative aspects of this, and consider if there’s a different voice that can still inspire BUT without criticism and harshness.
Most of the perfectionistic high achievers I work with are way more kind and gentle to others. They would NEVER speak to someone else they way they speak to themselves. When I ask the question ‘Is that what you would say to a friend?’ Many would emphatically say ‘No.’ And, for those who would, I often ask if research supports this way of speaking. Does research back you speaking this way to yourself? Often times their answer is no.
This doesn’t negate the need for achieving, and as an Atlanta anxiety therapist who works with many leaders I know that we can’t just let the achieving go. Instead, I propose that my clients consider an approach to leading themselves that is self-compassionate and accepting of their humanity which is inherently imperfect. There is a way to be an imperfect human AND be an outstanding leader. Both can exist at the same time. Figuring out how to think that way can be tricky, but if we can do it for a friend, an elderly person, a child…someone we’re gentle with, maybe we can do that for ourselves too.
If this information speaks to you, I encourage you to seek out a highly trained professional who can help you sift through the thoughts and feelings. Therapy isn’t one size fits all, and neither is this information.
-Mikela Hallmark, MS, LPC, LMHC, CPCS – certified in EMDR and trained in ERP for anxiety as well as DBT, CBT, and other therapy approaches.
