As an Atlanta couples therapist with over 14 years of experience, advanced training in the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and a specialization in helping couples heal from infidelity, I’ve had many conversations with people devastated by betrayal. Whether it was a physical affair, or emotional connection, one question echoes through every session: Why did it happen?
This question is not just about the act of cheating itself. It’s about identity. Worth. Safety. People ask it with trembling voices, often hoping to discover that they are not unlovable, not broken, not to blame. They are trying to make sense of how their once solid, even joyful, relationship became fractured by something they never thought possible.
My answer: infidelity is complex. It does not always reflect the depth of love in a relationship, and it is not always about the person who was betrayed. There is no single answer that applies to everyone. However, in my experience working with couples, several patterns have emerged. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but it can give some insight.
Here are some common reasons that I as an Atlanta couples therapist hear people say are why they cheat.
None of these are excuses or permissions so to speak. They’re simply provided to help you look past the hurt of the action and understand there could be more to it.
1. Emotional Disconnection and Drifting Apart
Couples often come to me saying, We love each other, but we feel more like roommates than partners. Life gets busy. Demands pile up. The children, careers, aging parents, and life are a lot, and intentional time together becomes scarce. Slowly, emotional intimacy erodes. The relationship no longer feels like a safe, fulfilling space and when this happens, people may unconsciously seek emotional or physical connection elsewhere. Not necessarily because they stopped loving their partner, but because they no longer felt seen by them.
2. Impulsivity, Addiction, and Altered States
Sometimes cheating in couples happens in the blur of a moment. Fueled by alcohol, drugs, or even untreated mental health conditions. Or maybe just fueled by an impulsive act based on excitement. Impulsivity, especially when combined with unmet emotional needs, can create a perfect storm. Pornography or sex addiction may also distort one’s view of intimacy and lead to disconnection within the marriage. These are not excuses, but they are contexts that help us understand what was happening internally for the person who cheated.
3. Unresolved Conflict and Avoidance
According to research by the Gottman Institute (where Gottman Method couples counseling was created), couples wait an average of six years after a problem arises before seeking therapy. That’s six years of resentment, loneliness, disconnection, or feeling misunderstood. When issues go unspoken or unresolved, they do not disappear, they fester and in this state of emotional neglect, infidelity sometimes becomes a misguided attempt to soothe or escape.
4. Erosion of Intimacy, Eroticism, and Friendship
Marital intimacy takes work. Erotic connection does not thrive on autopilot. And yet, couples often stop investing in their romantic and sexual relationship. Scheduling sex may feel unromantic, so it’s avoided. Conversations about desires or dissatisfaction go untouched. Over time, the couple loses not just physical intimacy but the playful, fun, flirtatious energy that once made the relationship come alive. Without a strong friendship or erotic charge, vulnerability and connection can weaken and partners can look elsewhere to reclaim a sense of aliveness.
5. Low Commitment or Diminished Trust
Commitment is not a one time vow. it’s a daily decision. Trust, similarly, is not static. It’s built or broken through consistent actions over time. If trust erodes because partners stop responding to each other’s needs or stop showing up reliably, the foundation of the relationship starts to crack. And once that happens, people may rationalize or minimize infidelity in ways they never thought they would.
6. Major Life Transitions or Crises
Big changes can destabilize even strong relationships. A new job. A move. A death in the family. Kids leaving the nest. A health scare. These moments often come with identity shifts. Who am I now? What matters to me? If a couple is not attuned to each other during these seasons, then one partner may seek out a connection that reflects who they are becoming or who they fear they’ve lost.
A Final Note from our Atlanta Couples Therapist.
If you’re reading this because infidelity has touched your relationship, you are not alone. It does not mean your relationship is doomed, but it does mean something needs your attention. Healing is possible and rebuilding trust is possible. But it begins with facing the truth of what happened, why it happened, and what you both want to do next.
Whether you’re looking to repair your relationship or understand what this means for your future, you don’t have to figure it out on your own. I’m here to walk with you through the confusion, grief, and hope that follows.
If this resonates with you, reach out. Your story deserves the care, insight, and support of an Atlanta couples therapist who is trained in working with couples and helping them reconnect.
